A Glimpse into the Mind of a Supposed Songwriter

It had been a month since I had had a singing gig. This was due mostly to the fact that, while on my holiday to relax and regroup and get healthy in Cape Town, I fell ill with bronchitis!!! It was the first time I had been sick in about 2 years and it knocked me for a six! I was NOT happy
about the situation at all AND, just to add insult to injury, I also got laryngitis which is every singer's worst nightmare! This is usually about the time that I suddenly feel inspired to write and songs want to burst out of me and I can't sing them! Which means they usually just carry on wandering past and, I should imagine, move on the next lucky songwriter. This last statement may make very little sense to most of you! Allow me to elaborate...

When I get struck with the urge to write, it's NEVER when I expect it, it's NEVER convenient and its NEVER the song I thought I was going to write. When I am sitting behind my guitar, staring down at the scribbles on the page before me, I have NO idea where they came from. I never even knew I had that kind of vocabulary in my head and, for a girl who's never had any formal lessons on a guitar, those chords sure seem to SOUND like they're being played by someone who actually has a clue! So here's what I believe...

I believe that there are millions and millions of songs drifting around in a parallel universe. Where they reside, I am not sure, but they are out there. They already exist. The problem is that there are only certain channels that they can work through to make themselves heard and those
channels are people selected by the songs. That last part is quite important because I would look so odd singing a death metal song! (Although I have written a few rather dark songs in some dark moments but I think that's a whole new article for another day.) The songs choose the people that will do them justice. In other words, that is how I see myself, as a channel for these songs that need to be heard. Perhaps that is the biggest part of the reason I feel embarrassed taking credit for them. At times, I honestly feel like a fraud when someone says to me: "Did you write that song?" and I kind of nod and look away, or say "yes" quietly and change the subject as soon as possible. My manager mistakes it for modesty but he's wrong there. I simply feel like they're not my songs to own. How else can I explain why I don't remember the actual process of writing the song?

The odd thing is that I can relate to them; so well that it actually hurts everytime I sing them and I can only assume that, that particular song knew I needed it to deal with the situation I was going through at the time. It was so in tune with the pain and angst or the passion and happiness I was experiencing at that moment that, out of all the channels, in all the universe, it singled me out and wriggled and squirmed it's way through the portkey (my guitar) to land in my head and be transferred onto the page in front of me. The birth of a new song, for me, is like a cleansing and soothing balm for my soul. As I get up from the chair, an hour or so later, I am slightly dazed and perhaps a tad bewildered, but what stands out most of all is that I am at peace.

Why me? Who knows? I ask myself over and over again and I know that's the wrong approach. One should never question gifts from the universe. One should simply bow one's head in supplication and say a humble thank you to the angels! Perhaps it's my enquiring mind that is at fault here. I simply cannot just accept that something is what it is. I know my life would be far less complicated if I could do that and there would be a lot of far happier people in my inner circle;) Creativity was never kind to a sceptic and, as a practical Virgo, I am probably the biggest sceptic of them all. Perhaps writer's block is a reminder that you should never question all things creative.

The reason I say that is because, now, when I need them the most, the songs have deserted me. My guitar has become my enemy and the songs I took for granted have decided to be someone else's healing balm. Part of me wants to beg and plead with them to return but I know that won't work. You cant force a song. They are kind of shy and and reticent, but incredibly intelligent and perceptive. They won't come until I accept why it is that they left and, knowing the reason doesn't always mean it can be fixed.

So I sit and wait..."the moment will come and slowly take over my mind and the words will find space in a place in my head and slowly slip off my tongue." Looking at those lyrics, I know they are from a song I wrote. That song is a big hit in South Africa...and I still don't feel that I
own it. Perhaps therein lies my problem. Maybe I need to begin to own them, but it feels presumptious somehow. I feel that I could never write something like that on my own. It's far easier to believe that it already existed. Perhaps it's my own lack of faith in myself that has me believing that. You see, as practical as a Virgo is, they are still unbelievably critical of themselves and their abilities which is not very practical!

I believe I will try... because a life without songwriting is a life devoid of feeling. So let me take a moment to thank my angels for all the songs they have been kind enough to bestow on me in the past and all the songs they will bestow on me in the future, because I have to believe that there will be more. I once went through writer's block for about a year and, while I was busy feeling beside myself, a song found me in my despair:

"Staring at the empty pages

Through the bars of noted cages

In your head the cyclone rages

Pick a card and quietly smile

Take a chance and write it down

Once a smile is now a frown

Walk away, the show is over

Time to drift a little slower

Time to let the world go by

Hold it up and let it fly

Time was something never on your side

Time always seemed to have enough for me

Open up the doors and set them free

Fill the lines in every book

Find the words and make the hook

Let it go, Let it go"

My friend jokes with me about how I wrote a song about not being able to write songs! I laugh, but she's right! I AM a songwriter/songchanneler. Why should an artist suddenly be unable to paint? Oh well, as artists, we have a right to our eccentricity and our, sometimes, odd beliefs! And don't forget that artistic temperament!

This practical Virgo will continue to thank her angels and sing "her" songs and live for the music that either resides within her or channels though her. After all, what would I be without it?