Fly, little Angel

You left this world on 5 December 2008. In the wake of your sudden departure, lies a pathway scattered with broken hearts and puddles of water formed by the tears of those who have survived you. How, though, does one survive the aftermath of a sudden loss? The reality is too unreal for a mind to comprehend. You were too young, too vibrant, too full of life, too PRESENT to suddenly no longer be.


We all say it shouldn't have been you but I know you know differently. You do understand that it's harder for us, don't you? We have no comprehension of where you are. We have ideas. But we've been told so many different things, how does one really know what to believe? How do you balance logic and reason when there is a total lack of any logic and reason; when your world is tipped on its axis and balance is impossible? How do you begin to tell the broken hearts that it's going to be ok; that you haven't really left at all?


I know you haven't left. I can feel you. Perhaps that's normal. Perhaps it's wishful thinking. You seem peaceful and relaxed. Or is that just my hopeful mind playing tricks on me? How can I sit and talk about this calmly when, every few minutes, the thought of it takes my breath away. How can someone be, and then not be, within the space of a few seconds? How do you get your mind around such a solid fact, when that fact seems to be surrounded by an invisible force field and comprehension just bounces right off of it.


I know you haven't left. I can hear your voice in my head, or is that just my own voice playing tricks on me? I talk out loud to myself so that, when I talk to you, I can convince myself it's normal. Although I'm almost positive you answer me back, what if I just wish you did?


I've experienced loss before, but I was able to start dealing with the loss long before it actually occurred. You didn't give us any time. Was there a reason for that? I know, I know, you have your reasons. I don't want to question the natural order of things. You seem to know what you're doing. This is a very hard lesson for so many people. Do you think they're all strong enough to take the lesson and run with it? Even the strongest person has a limit to what they can withstand. If I'm struggling, there are people who are finding this a thousand times harder.


Does it hurt you to see that? You always had so much love for so many people. You couldn't bear to see anyone sad or hurting. You had a natural gift for empathy. Now that you've left that life and are looking at the bigger picture, it must seem like we're making a mountain out of a molehill. I do think that, the person who you were, was your soul reflected in human form and the caring and compassion you had for people, is a caring and compassion you have for all souls, from whatever dimension. I know you hurt for us, even as I know you are at peace.


I think you chose to come back in that particular form, for very specific reasons. There were souls here, who needed you. We needed to learn from you. You achieved what you set out to do. I'm sure you know that. You taught so many people that love is simple and that it can cure anything. You showed us that life doesn't have to be so complicated, that's it's not worth sweating the small stuff. You had a quiet wisdom that was evident in the times when people needed you, evident in so many ways.


You also had your lessons to learn. In human form, we all succumb to the phrase, "We're only human. We all make mistakes." Your lessons, in turn, were lessons for us. I know you learnt from those around you and you grew from it. You were an old soul to begin with. It didn't take you long to reach the level you aimed for. It wasn't long before we were all learning from you.


You also knew that you had to leave, and that your leaving would be one of the hardest lessons of all, for those you left behind. But before you left you had one more thing to do. You took a soul that was broken and hurting, and helped it to heal, simply by showing it that love could be easy, unconditional and without complication. You truly are a beautiful soul.


Even though I know you're still around, you are missed. Even with your voice in my head, the sadness sometimes overwhelms me and I hope you understand that. We are just human. We are not infallible. I will try, for your sake, to be strong and to pay it forward wherever I can. I'll take the lessons you are teaching me and learn from them. I will never be the same again and I can thank you for that and you know my reasons. You will be missed. The hole you've left can't be filled. There was only one you. But we will all, somehow, adjust to the empty space there.


I know you are peaceful and I'm thankful for that. I know you are happy and, for that, too, I am thankful. I'm also thankful for the brief time we had with you on earth and for all that you gave us. There is so much, that was good, to remember and I'll always treasure those memories. Though we miss you, I know we will see you again when the time is right.


In the meantime, I will try and adjust to the hole in my life and try and fill it with the memories to keep you close.


So, until we meet again, fly, little angel.