A place in my space

I should warn you right from the start that this is probably not going to have much to do what with music... or maybe it will... I never know where my mind is going to wander when I sit down to type. But, either way, it's typed by a musician and, as far as I'm concerned, that's what this blog is for: A Musician's Musings. So here I sit and muse away...

I've circled my blog like a wary fighter for days now. I started typing but it felt contrived. I'm still not sure if this will end up getting posted. It depends how honest I can be with myself I guess. I'm a firm believer in honesty; especially with oneself. If you can't be honest with yourself, there's a good chance that you're going to be dishonest with someone else. That's the way I figure it anyway. I always thought it was hardest to be honest with oneself. A lot of you may disagree. Humour me for a moment here.

The person you spend the most time with, is yourself. It stands to reason, then, that you should have a high enough opinion of yourself to be able to stand yourself for long periods! The problem though, is that when you spend a lot of time with anyone, they start to become aware of all your faults and shortcomings. We can therefore safely assume that no-one is more aware of their own shortcomings, than you are of your own and that's a really hard pill to swallow for some! It's a simple step from there, to telling yourself little lies. Is this confusing the hell out of you? Good! It's doing the same to me! I don't really care what point I was trying to get across anymore, but the thing is, if you have a low opinion of yourself, it's going to prove incredibly difficult to still be able to look yourself in the eye and say, "You screwed up!" It's going to be even harder to look someone you love in the eye and say, "I screwed up!"

I guess that's what I'm getting at. It starts with you. That's a hard reality for some. Take me, for example. For reasons that aren't relevant to this blog, I grew up doubting and questioning myself a lot. I had a very low opinion of myself and that meant I made a lot of stupid choices. I admit that now but it took me years to be able to. I wanted to point fingers at everything and everyone else because it was so much easier than admitting the fault was with me. The problem with doing that is that my conscience wouldn't allow me. That meant that I had to do some soul searching and, after years of denial, I looked myself in the eye, and said, "YOU are responsible for EVERYTHING that has gone wrong in your life. Accept it, and try to fix it."

I think I sound horribly like every self-help book I've ever read! Perhaps it would be pertinent to say that this blog is not only for my own benefit. It's not for ALL of you either. Although, it would be nice to know that it strikes a chord here and there... No, this blog is aimed at one person in particular and they know who they are. I think the reason I have circled around typing this is because I get the feeling that it will fall on deaf ears. No wait, not deaf ears, but SELECTIVE HEARING ears. I'm sure you're all familiar with those types. You can say something over and over but a person will pick out ONE point and that will become their entire focus despite all the other important issues. It's easier to focus on one thing you've done wrong. The alternative, which is having to focus on several at once, is too daunting. These SELECTIVE HEARING types are prime examples of people who can't face their own faults.

That brings us right back to my previous point; being too honest with yourself is very hard. It's easier to kid yourself. If you buy into your own lies, it makes the next step, which is lying to the person in front of you, even easier, because you can justify your actions to yourself, with a lie that you actually believe. Of course, if you're dealing with a person who has been down this road before, then you are in trouble. The chances are good that they will see through you. If not in that specific moment, then in another moment. It will come. Trust me.

There are all sorts of complications attached to lying, to yourself and to those around you. It takes a very smart, quick-witted person, to maintain a lie to another person. It is a delicate balancing act of intricate and astronomical proportions. Picture a house of cards... Now imagine pulling just ONE out. We all know the result. Imagine several lies... I can't even begin to. The thought exhausts me. Seems like a lot of effort for something that is only going to end in disaster. It's slightly different if you are only lying to yourself. You can just deny the issues and stop looking yourself in the eye to make it easier! When you start to involve others in the lie, there are more minds involved and lots of memories tuned into your ONE lie while you are juggling several.

If you do the math and factor in the theory of relativity, the chances are good that YOU are going to drop a ball somewhere and, while you will probably have forgotten the exact details of the lie you told, someone, somewhere, has recalled ALL the details. Often it's not even just someONE, but many people. That would make it even harder to backtrack because it's harder to convince an ENTIRE group of people that they are ALL mistaken and only you, are not.

I'm starting to bore myself! I just think I've talked this to death in so many different circumstances and it still comes down to the same thing: It's easier to tell the truth in the long run, than it is to lie. It means you never have to remember what you said! So why is it so hard, in practice, to be honest? It starts with us. When we start lying to ourselves, we start losing touch with that reality that creates a safe space to just be ourselves, with ourselves, and then, in turn, with other people.

A space is as safe as you want it to be. You create it by giving honesty and trusting that you are going to get it back. The worst thing you can do is to take a safe place, that you and a loved one have created, and violate it with lies. Please don't ever kid yourself that there are bigger and smaller lies. They all leave the same stain on the white wall of a safe place. Have you ever tried to wipe off a stain from a white wall with a damp cloth? It invariably leaves an even bigger stain! You can paint over it again but you will always know that stain is there, it'll just be under cover.

The moral of the story, I think, is to love yourself, faults and all. That means you won't have to lie to yourself and that makes it much easier to be honest with those around you because you know that their opinion is not that important. Why? Because you are perfectly happy with yourself!

This can only benefit you because it will make your world a safe place, not only for you, but for those that take the chance of entering your space and sitting comfortably inside it without fear for their own safe space. When two people can share a safe place and not feel threatened, it is a rare and beautiful thing.

I often wonder how people do that so easily. Just take the chance and let go and simply believe. I used to be able to but experience has convinced me that people are fallible and chances are good that that feeling of bliss and safety can't last. How do you bounce back from it? Maybe you don't. Maybe you just go into the next space more wary. That thought makes me sad though because where can a person just go and feel safe?

I'll tell you where there IS a guaranteed safe space. It's my own space. There is room only for me and, because I am honest with myself, I know there is no chance of discovering some nasty untruths. The boat will never be rocked and my space will never be threatened. That should be a comforting thought, shouldn't it?

Why then, despite my sense of safety, do I feel so empty and alone? That is what happens when a person is forced to lock it down and protect themselves. If you do that to yourself, that is your own choice and your own cross to bear, but if you force another to raise the walls and protect themselves, you may have to consider that it's time to turn your eyes inward and try a bit self analysis.

Look in the mirror, deep into your own eyes, and ask yourself, "What gave me the right to trample on private property, offered to me in love? What twisted part of me thought that I was allowed to leave my muddy boots on, trample betrayal everywhere and foul the air with dirty words? When did I forget that it was a privilege to be there and not mine for the taking?" When you can do that, and answer yourself honestly, then you MIGHT be forgiven.

Until then, I will not paint over the stains you left. I will keep them there, in the open, to remind me of the depth of betrayal and your capacity for dishonesty with yourself and with me. When I'm strong enough, I'll paint over the stains with a fresh coat of bright red and create a new space that you will never EVER be able to invade again.

I will always know the stains are there but that's good because that will be a constant reminder to NEVER let anyone take the offer of a place in my space for granted, EVER again.