Life Changing Decembers and Monstrous Opportunities

It's the 27th December 2009 and that means it's 25 days since my life took a dramatic, not so pleasant turn. I was thinking about it earlier as I prepared for bed and it occurred to me that December has actually ALWAYS been a month of change for me. It's not like I go out and make a conscious decision to change my life each December! Oh no! Quite the contrary in fact... At the time that these dramatic changes occur, I am generally quite happily content, almost smug, in the knowledge that my life is happily perfect.

I should know better...

I always preach to my friends, and even acquaintances, about how the universe has a way of throwing a curve ball right at you, just at the moment that you are in that happy, content, smug little safe zone. It's quite interesting, then, how I never ever expect it, myself! I am ALWAYS surprised... usually horribly.

If I REALLY take the time to think about it, AFTER said curve ball has come flying out of left field, I realise that the signs were actually there all along. I simply refused to acknowledge them. You know how a little child, when scared of monsters at night, will cover their eyes with the blanket? The theory, and it makes perfect sense to a child, is that, if I can't see them, they can't see me and therefore can't hurt me. As one gets older, one begins to realise that this is far from true and yet, it's still so tempting to give in to that old tactic time and time again. All that really changes is the breed of monster, and the blanket!

I think that's why I actually SHOULD expect the curve ball (read: Monster), but I prefer, in a child-like way, to pretend it's not actually there. Fortunately for most children, the monster really IS just a figment of their imagination, however, for me, the monsters are quite real and so scary that I've chosen to blanket them out.

I won't go into all of them, however, let me give you an idea of the pattern my Decembers have followed in recent years...

2 Decembers ago, saw the end of a relationship that signalled the end, sadly, of a friendship as well. I'm not sure why that happened but I think that is the danger of never really talking things out and I was too upset with myself, and the other party, to sort it out then and there. Time marches on, lives go on, and we move on... or do we? The fact that it was a landmark in my life suggest otherwise to me. It was a disconcerting, unwanted curveball and it definitely changed me.

1 December ago I was on my way to a show when I received a call that irrevocably changed me. A close, very dear friend of mine had passed away suddenly and tragically. I was devastated and that December was spent trying to come to terms with it. Without a doubt, a tragic landmark that is indelibly etched on the wall of my mind, and my heart and no December will EVER be the same.

It's hard to believe a year has passed but here I am at another December and I find myself, once again, reeling in shock. This time, it's the end of a relationship I thought was The One. I suppose this one will get more attention as the others have been covered in-depth and this, I have yet to compartmentalise in my mind.

I have covered the obligatory falling apart phase. I allowed myself approximately 2 weeks during which time I did all the usual things one does in this situation. We've all been there and I'm sure you don't expect me to elaborate. If you do, you may be in for a bit of a wait...

And then, a lifeline! My family, my wonderful family, decided to rescue me from a lonely, empty Johannesburg, and transport me to... the United Kingdom?! Whoa, back up here I can hear you say. You left sunny South Africa to travel to a cold, dark, wet place for 2 weeks?

Yes... I most certainly did. In fact, I would have sold my soul to have done that but fortunately for me, I didn't have to. There was a time when I might not have jumped at the opportunity. I have always disliked England and London in particular. There was also a time when my family and I did not quite see eye to eye on certain things and, at that time, the end of a relationship might very well be cause for celebration on their part! I exaggerate slightly but I do know that, offering condolences in this kind of situation would seem foreign and perhaps, unnecessary, to them. That was at a time when empathy was hard to conjure up for both parties concerned.

Since that time, we have talked, and cried, and talked, and laughed, and talked, and hugged, and talked some more. It's amazing what you can fix by talking! In fact, everything is so well fixed that I felt comfortable crying on their shoulders, and they felt comfortable offering tissues and hugs.

I digress slightly but it was a necessary detour. To continue, there is no place in the world I would rather have been, than with my family. If that had meant travelling to Mars, I would have done it. There is no greater balm for the soul than being around people who know you, and all your faults, and feel free to tell them to you, while discussing the merits of Sensodyne toothpaste and what we're having for lunch! When it comes to family, you know, or you SHOULD know, that, no matter how dramatic and hurtful the disagreement, you will STILL be there for each other and love each other. It's an unspoken rule.

After 2 weeks with my quirky, slightly off-the-wall family, I feel quite close to normal again! I feel like a hazelnut, who's shell unexpectedly cracked open and peeled off, leaving the soft centre unprotected and bare, that has been dipped in rich, dark chocolate! (I only choose dark because it's my favourite kind!) It's much more user-friendly than a hard shell, and a much more gentle kind of protection for the hazelnut. In short, I feel quite deliciously safe again!

25 days after a chapter in my life suddenly ended, I am once again at a crossroads. Perhaps there's a reason why this always happens in December. January signals new beginnings, a fresh start, a chance to right the wrongs. Perhaps, in a way, I am actually lucky that December is my designated month of change. It's always a bit easier to implement changes when there is a definite starting line. There it is then, my silver lining.

In 2 days time I will have to leave here. At my time of arrival, I hadn't seen my brother or my older sister and my nieces, for a year and a half. The distance is unbelievably, unforgivably hard. Ironically, I have a bad experience to thank for that opportunity to see them. I will see them again in March, when they will be flying out for, what should have been a wedding, so again, I have this bad experience to thank for that opportunity!

Isn't it amazing that when you lift off the blanket, and open your eyes, it isn't actually monsters you see; just undiscovered opportunities!